so i booked my ticket for europeeee
yadee yadee
i leave may 3rd, come back may 17th
i am SO EXCITED
this is a dream come true.
i've been talking aloud to myself a lot lately. especially when i'm walking back from class, because i take a secret way no one else takes, so no one sees me and thinks im crazy.
nothing is really making sense to me right now, but when i just let my mind come out my mouth it seems to grow clearer. i feel like my past wont stop haunting me, and i don't really think i can ever let go of those demons.
quinn explained this quite nicely. she said it's just a vicious cycle of everyone screwing each other up. you get screwed over a few times and then suddenly you're screwed. everyone eventually is a pit of empty thoughts and lost causes.
i'm not nearly as cynical as quinn, at least not yet. but i do feel like a part of me evolves with every failure. i am not the same person i was three or four years ago. i am much more realistic, which is why it's so difficult for me to open up and be free. And just when you think you have everything figured out, you're thrown a curve ball and you're either ruined or pleasantly surprised.
every day i just go through the motions, desperately reaching out to satiate my thirst for adventure. i want to do something crazy, i want so much more than to be ordinary. the opportunities are just up ahead.
when i write music, i sort of do it subconsciously, and when i listen back to my lyrics and sound i become increasingly aware of how tormented and torn i can be in those moments. you'd never know it, knowing me. and i don't even know it myself. it's like this weird part of me revealed only through music. i like it, i feel like i have another person inside of me that absorbs any pain and releases it in a healthy manner, and i consciously don't feel the grunt of it. it's pretty cool if you think about it.
these are the weirdest, most honest thoughts i can muster.
OH
i cried.
